In the past I was in a relationship where my partner needed parenting, not necessarily in the literal sense. I think his issue was that his mother did a more hands-off approach to parenting. I believe it affected his ability to have healthy adult relationships. Anyhow, in the beginning it felt good to be needed and he appreciated what I did. As time went on it became something he expected and if not done he would be upset. There were times when we couldn’t afford to go to the laundry mat and I would hand-wash the kids clothes, our towels, and his bloody boxers in the bathtub. He had a health issue that would cause him to shit blood. But he could go out after work to the bar and buy drinks. Off-topic, I apologize. His ungratefulness is what drove me away, I could have handled the cheating and being piss poor broke. But the lack of love, the open discretion, and his inability to appreciate what I did for him was just too much. Not to mention all that I went through while with him.
It can be truly hard in a relationship when your partner needs to be parented or told what to do regularly, especially if you already have children. The truth is not only is it a burden to parent your spouse/significant other but it is a tremendous turn-off. As a woman I feel like I am pre-wired to care for others but once it becomes a.) expected and b.) unappreciated the desire to do for others starts to fade away. As a mother you are numb to the millions of ways that your children take you for granted, it’s a given. But when your partner suddenly gets pissy that you didn’t scrub the blood and dried cum from their boxers or that you forgot to make them a plate for the first time in ages, you come to a realization that you are just a disposable item.
The other aspect of this type of relationship is the partner who needs to be told what to do and when. You find yourself annoyed because you are doing everything; taking care of the kids, chores around the house, paying the bills, etc. When you voice that you are tired of doing it all their response might consist of, “You haven’t asked for any help, why are you so upset?”. That response usually sends me through the roof because obviously they haven’t been paying attention. Here you are running around juggling cooking dinner, keeping the children on task for homework, potty training the toddler, and trying to keep your head above water. When would you have the time to stop and have a nice chat over coffee to let them know all the ways an extra set of hands could make everyone’s lives easier? Somehow we become “at-fault” for not being vocal enough about our needs and/or wants. I hate that shit. Truly. But if we are too vocal we are labeled as a nagging wife/partner. Damned if we do, damned if we don’t.
Then there’s how it affects the relationship in the bedroom. I don’t know about ya’ll but when I am having sex with someone I am not so much into talking as I am into orgasming. During sex we have an enjoyable enough time for one of us to get ours and sometimes if I am lucky I get mine too. If he is going down on me and is being repetitious I don’t want to stop him and say, “Hey, your fingernail is slicing my cervix could you chill a little?” That being said, I have always had a harder time than most in voicing when something is or is not working for me in the moment. I usually wait until the act itself is over and then speak up about anything that did or did not do it for me.
But there is another thing I have recently had a problem with. I am kinky; like tie me up, grab my throat, fuck me until I scream kinky. Not that my kinks are the issue but more like I do not ask for them to be given attention. My fiance is not kinky, like at all. He is very much the slow, sweet, look me in the eyes kinda guy, which I can usually be okay with. But over the last few months I have not just felt like I need to tell him what to do outside the bedroom but in the throes of passion as well.
My kinks are a way to cope with my overly-controlling mental health issues, LOL! Seriously though, being able to rely on my partner to see that it is not just something fun to do but something that helps me let go of it all, is important. Recently my partner and I were hashing out some things about our sex life and I had said that it had been months since we had a session of tying me up. He quipped back, “You haven’t asked for it, how am I supposed to know? It’s not something I require so it doesn’t cross my mind”. In that moment my heart broke a little, not only did he not understand but he did not care…at least that is how it felt. He went on to say that if it was something I needed, I needed to speak up. I think I have always had the problem of expecting other people to be as giving as I am, I anticipate their needs and try to address them before they even realize they need it (I hope that makes sense).
As a mother and a partner, it can be hella hard work but when you have to parent your children and your significant other, it can be more than what a “normal” person can handle. I guess for me the only thing left to do is either speak up or let things continue the way they are. That’s really all anyone can do.
Izzy
Tangled Love Web 