So as you may have figured out, I have a problem with detaching from my ex’s. Especially female one’s. Not to say I am not still friends with ex-bf’s, all of which are from high school. But there is something about detaching from an ex-girlfriend I find most difficult. Lately, I have found that while on my social media I am drawn to one particular ex-gf and it feels wrong. It feels wrong to feel so much for her while I am in a committed relationship, it feels wrong because she is happier without me, and it feels wrong to want to share how I feel with her and the world. In the ten years since I have last had her in my life I have not fallen out of love with her.
For the longest time we were not in touch and then we both ended up running into each other on social media. We got close for a little while, realized we were getting too attached,
and then there was radio silence for a long time. These days we may comment or post to each other every so often but we really don’t talk. When she posts pictures I look through them and move along as quickly as possible, but sometimes I can’t. There are times I just sit on my phone looking at her; seeing her crooked smile, the happiness that she is experiencing, and thinking about what could have been.
Before you start throwing the book at me, I think you should understand that I know that it would be better to cut ties and never look back. I know that I am hindering my healing process by not ending whatever it is that we have going. I know that I can never have her in my heart (or arms) again. But the love that is still there is hard to turn away from. The connection we had, how much she means to me, how much she loved my son…it is all still there.
I think the “issue” lies in that with a female/female relationship there is an intense emotional connection which is magnified with sex/making love. It is a self-feeding cycle that is infinite in its ability to create a stronger emotional connection. It is deep, intimate, and fierce in the best (and worst) relationships. With her it was everything I ever wanted; minus the boyfriend that I wasn’t being honest with and the lack of a financial security. Even after he took advantage of her I still loved her. As a matter of fact, it made me love her more because I wanted to protect her from him and any other predator that wanted to cause her harm. I just didn’t know how to stand up to him. I think that is why she broke it off because I couldn’t/wouldn’t choose only her.
So maybe this is my divine retribution. Watching her from afar, living her life, going on adventures without me. I don’t think I will ever fall out of love with her, even when she finds her Mrs. Right. I am okay with being at arm’s length because if she brought me in any closer I would surely fall head over heels, I would profess my love, and I would make a fool of myself. Let’s be honest, why would she walk right back into the same situation with me a second time in her life for me to not be able to be her one and only….again. Instead, I will keep watching her…loving her…and missing her.
In conclusion, you cannot make yourself fall out of love. You cannot control the love you feel for another. You cannot control how many people you love. Life and love are complicated and messy and beautifully painful. Drink it in, bathe in it, and cherish every moment you have.
Izzy
Tangled Love Web 