“The most inefficient and self-harming thing a person can do is go out looking for love. Let it find you when the time is right and you’re out doing what you love to do. Only then will you find it in its truest form.”
― A.J. Darkholme, Rise of the Morningstar
This week has been a hard one.
I have ridden the emotional roller coaster of hormones, I have confessed things to my fiance, I have broken down, and I have been quietly climbing the mountain of despair with the help of an online friend. I feel like I have been through the ringer this week or rather, I have put myself through the ringer. Not with the hormone roller coaster because let’s be honest there isn’t a damn thing I can do about that. The thing is that I could have shut my mouth and silently suffered through how I am feeling but I got this bright idea to share with my partner. There has been a lead up over the last few weeks of me sharing little bits and pieces of how I am feeling. It all I came to a head this week while I was getting ready to leave for acupuncture.
He asked me if it was “really that bad” and from there it all sort of began to pour out. I explained how the loneliness and isolation was only getting worse and how day by day it gets harder to keep my shit together. He quipped back that if I needed more from him then I needed to reach out, if I needed his affection I needed to speak up, if needed his help I needed to ask. Before we had a chance to really discuss things further I needed to leave. Once I got to my appointment my acupuncturist asked me how things were going and the only thing I could reply with is, “Emotionally, I am a wreck.” She said, “Well then we’ll work that into your treatment today.” While she was placing the needles she inquired about what all was going on and I had to bite back the tears while glossing over the events. After she left the room I lay there in a blissful daze drifting in and out of consciousness while attempting to let go of the worries, problems, and woes.
When my appointment was done I walked back to my truck and got my dose of nicotine from my e-cigarette. Usually I would be excited to go home, hug the baby, and relax in bed but there was none of that. I didn’t want to go home. I sat in the parking lot and realized that what I needed to do was text my fiance about how I was feeling so that when I came home I wouldn’t be holding onto all the emotions I had been biting back. So I pulled up my voice to text and began purging everything I was feeling, thinking, and needing to get off my chest. I told him that I was tired of asking for things from him because I have before and nothing changes, that I felt guilty for asking more from him given how much/hard he works, and that I was battling with the denial of my identity as a polyamorous bisexual in a heterosexual committed relationship. I explained that I felt guilty for so much; for not being a better partner, mother, and person. I told him I felt it would be better for me to text him because I knew if I tried talking to him face-to-face I would without a doubt cry.
I drove home with a nausea-inducing headache. When I walked in the door I began getting the baby ready for bed, made myself a nausea tea, and laid my head on a bag of frozen lima beans. He got ready for bed without a word being spoken about the texts that I had sent and fell asleep promptly. There’s one thing you should know; I am a naturally confrontational person. Not that I want a screaming match but I want to hash out the issues until something comes of it. He on the other hand is the exact opposite. So when an issue comes up, they can drag on for quite awhile before things are resolved.
So here I am, two days later and nothing has been talked about. Nothing has been resolved and I am drowning in my sorrows; with no bottle in hand. My vice at this point is binge watching, “The L Word”. I am drowning in this intense desire to be tangled in the arms of another female, to have emotional love wash over me, to caress the softly defined curves of a woman. But why, you may ask, am I not adult enough to go to him and say these things? Fear. Fear is what is driving the bus right now. I am afraid that if I speak up about what I need that it will ultimately mean that I am opening the relationship, that I will lose him, that I will get hurt again. It literally makes me sick to my stomach. Instead of owning up, I am avoiding. In a way it’s self-mutilation because I am hurting myself by not being honest with myself. Everyday I sit here watching these lesbian shows and movies longing for what I miss in a female relationship.
I don’t know how to stop. It may seem simple enough to you but it’s not. It’s complicated, terrifying, and physically sickening. I pride myself on being an open-minded, free loving person but deep down my childhood abandonment issues, past bad relationships, and horrible self-image prevent me from making healthy adult decisions that are in my best interest. I know I don’t own him, I know that I cannot possibly be everything he wants/needs, and I know that if we were meant to be that no other person is going to come between us. But, I cannot bring myself to do it. I am not adult enough to do so. I am not secure enough in my own skin to be okay with sharing him with anyone, which is why I can’t find it in myself to ask him to do the same. Teenage me is bitch-slapping now me in the face with a two-by-four.
I am holding out hope that a solution comes to me in the coming days…until then I bid you, “Goodnight”.
Izzy
Tangled Love Web 