“I wish you’d put your phone down and fuck me”

I am sure many people have said this to themselves at one point or another as they look over at their partner who is stuck to their screen. You are sitting there next to your partner and the minutes drag on without a word being spoken, not even a side-glance. In the digital age that we live in, technology is becoming an increasingly bigger problem in relationships. The instant gratification of picking up the phone and having the world at your fingertips is satisfying and detrimental.  Sometimes it is best to check out of social media, game systems, and devices so that you are more in touch with reality.

Relationships are complicated enough but when you add distractions and displaced attention or affection it can make life difficult. At the end of my relationship with my ex of nine years there was this horribly lonely distance. I was a stay-at-home mom of three sons with no social circle to share the good days and bad days with. I turned to my laptop to give me an outlet with which to fill the growing loneliness, depression, and loss of affection. I reconnected with a few ex’s, joined a couple of groups, and began spending the majority of what “free time” I had talking and chatting with anyone who would  give me the time of day.

I knew in my heart that it wasn’t the best use of my time but at the point my relationship was at there was no hope for reconciliation, we were just waiting for the volcano to erupt and everything to burn to the ground. I wasn’t alone though. He would go to work around 1 pm and then would return between 12 am and 1 am without so much as a “Hi, how are you?”. I would give him his dinner, make him a Jameson on the rocks, and he would start playing online poker until he passed out, sideways and drooling. The last few weeks were wretched, he began drinking even more and would stare me down while threatening my life and happiness. It was the end. Instead of talking things through we both found it easier to avoid each other than save our relationship. I sometimes wonder if we both set aside our bull-headed, ego filled, selfishness would we have been able to work through our problems. I guess we’ll never know.

Technology is a very useful tool but once it becomes a problem something has to be done, quickly. First of all, if it is your partner that is addicted to their device(s) you must find a time to voice how you are feeling. The person on the other end of the relationship might not even realize how hurt you may be feeling. They may not even realize that they are as disconnected as they are. The key to opening this dialogue is to not let yourself erupt like Mount St. Helen’s, meaning don’t try to talk about it if you are in the throes of intense emotions. Ultimately, the other person will feel attacked and begin to get defensive towards everything you have to say and nothing will get accomplished. If you are anything like me, I find that no matter what the situation, it’s better to write out your feelings in a letter, email, or text. This way it is less volatile and the other person has time to process where you are coming from without emotions getting in the way.

If you are the guilty party, sometimes the best thing to do is start small to change your habits. If you do it slowly you have a better chance that the changes you make will become automatic. Start by turning off your notifications at the same time every night and during that time try to turn your attention to your partner. Stick with that routine for a couple of weeks and if you find it becoming easier to ignore your phone, step it up a notch. Your partner may be a bit standoffish at first but please realize that they have felt hurt, abandoned, and discarded while you’ve been ignoring them. They need time to acclimate to you being present and in the moment with them. Or maybe, just maybe, they will be so happy to be the center of your attention that things will pick up right where they left off. Over time it will be easier to just use your phone and/or laptop as a tool, not as a means to “check-out”.

Technology can be a wonderfully awesome and relaxing tool but if misused and abused, can destroy relationships. Don’t take for granted the people you have around you because life is too short to not live thoroughly in each moment. You chose this person to be a significant part of your life and they deserve your love, help, attention, and affection.

 

Izzy

 

Sex and women’s bodies after childbirth

 

“There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the true essence of beauty.”
― Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience

 

 

While in my young and dumb years I thought how wonderful it would be after I had my first child. In my mind I would be this long haired, glowing woman, who would cuddle my baby while publicly breastfeeding wearing pre-pregnancy clothes in the park. The reality was that I was a long haired glowing mother, but my hair was knotted up from the sleepless nights due to colic. I was definitely glowing but it was from the enormous amount of vitamins and juices I had to intake to keep up with breastfeeding 30 times a day. And there was no way in hell I was going to be seen in public unless it was at night to walk the baby back and forth while he screamed and I cried.

The surprising thing was that it took me all of 2 weeks to lose the baby weight and it was great. By baby number 3 it was not quite so easy and baby number 4 was a doozy. It took me developing IBS to lose the weight and then it skyrocketed me to being heavier than I had been since high school. The wreckage that pregnancy hormones leaves in its wake is devastating for some and completely unpredictable for all. But the one thing that no one really talks about is after the “6 week no sex” period is over most of us are stressed out, sleep deprived, and riding an endless roller coaster of hormones. We aren’t even paying attention to our sexual appetite. Hell we just got done taking sitz baths every time we go to the bathroom.

There comes a time when sex does finally cross our minds, we look down at our not so perfect bodies and some of us in that moment want to crawl under the covers abandoning any hope for ever having another orgasm. Then there are those of us who look down at our battle scars, our eyes turn into laser beams, and we blame our male counterparts for helping to ruin our bodies. Once we work through the stages of grief, we remember how amazing orgasms are and we take back the night! No, seriously I am not kidding. I know there were times after I healed from our last child that I wanted sex all the time. It became such an issue for me that I finally succumbed to masturbating, which might I add is my least favorite “sexual act”.

Honestly, I would rather be getting anal love than masturbating 90% of the time. Not that I don’t get mine while masturbating, but I have like ZERO imagination so while everyone else can fantasize about David Beckham, Adam Levine, or Keira Knightley I am stuck closing my eyes and letting the darkness take me to a point of climax. Wow, that sounds dark and twisted. Anyhow, back on topic.

I have always wondered what it is like on the other end, from the male perspective. Do they see us as these beautiful vessels who should be appreciated for bringing new life into this world? Are we these foreign creatures that should be avoided at all costs? But I can’t imagine many men stepping up to share their personal opinion without fearing backlash, LOL! Are any of you brave enough to throw in your 2 cents?

Izzy