Unattainable

 

I want to start this by saying I love my partner. He is an amazing partner, a great provider, and can definitely satisfy me between the sheets.

But.

In the foreground of my mind there is always this deep desire for more. Not more from him. More from someone else, a female to be exact. For the most part he knows where I sit about my sexuality but there is no reason to run to him every time I have a thought or feeling. I mean really how many guys go straight to their female companions every time they fantasized about another or have shared every desire? Not very many, I can assure you. This is not to say that I wouldn’t like to talk more but that seems like beating a dead horse.

Sometimes while we are together, or even when I am by myself, I am constantly on the lookout for a woman who might be looking at me. Does that make any sense? I am not looking to interact with them in the moment but the desire for a woman to come up to me and say, “Hey, I saw you and just wanted to say I think you are beautiful.” I think my issue is rooted in the fact that because I am in a straight mono relationship I exude that aura of “taken”. Don’t get me wrong I love my relationship but the fact is I am missing someone. I know it.

It’s this vicious cycle of wanting more from life and love. I am terribly scared of the consequences of being with a woman. What if she can’t accept that I have children and a fiance? What if she cannot accept that we are strapped for time and money? What if she cannot accept that I have health issues that prevent random sexual encounters? There are so many variables that are unaccounted for. None of these issues deter my feelings for wanting to be swooped up and cradled in the bosom of a woman who loves me.

Sometimes the pain is so deep I can barely breathe and other times I wish there was a cure for what ails me…today, it is both.

 

Izzy

 

12 comments

  1. Knowing one is not alone,when faced with a crisis is always comforting. Society has caused a barrier for carnal knowledge, shifting it to the back room, to be hidden until it goes away. Sex for pleasure is discouraged. Menage a trois, polyamory, same sex are taboo. But it happens all the time, there are many of us who enjoy our pleasures. You are not alone. Addieg

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  3. Although my circumstances were different, I have felt this same desire and need for a woman; I was fortunate enough to have a husband that allowed me to explore that side of me and early in our relationship I did, and it made me so happy.

    For unrelated reasons, I’m in the midst of a divorce and when the thought of dating entered my mind, there was no question for me, it was a woman that I wanted…and now I find myself questioning, because I don’t ever feeling so connected and right as I do with a woman.

    Our journey’s are different, but my point is that you are not alone. 🙂

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    1. I’m sorry to hear about your divorce. For me it is the opposite, I am never more connected than when I’m with a woman. I think it has to do with how much women pay attention to the details…remembering special occasions, cuddling, small but sweet gestures, etc. I’m lucky in that my partner is in touch with his emotions but it still is not the same. I’m glad I’m not alone and thank you for commenting 💜

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      1. Do you mean you feel
        More connected with your male partner or your female partner?

        I may not have written clearly, but I was trying to say I don’t think I’ve ever felt as connected w a man as I do with a woman.

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